Announcer- From Indiana...the greatest state in the world! It's The Late Show With David Letterman! Sitting in for Dave tonight,Teller Laterman! Special guests George Lucas!...And head coach of the Butler Bulldogs,Todd Likliter! Plus Paul Schaffer,and the CNN orchestra! Now....here's Teeeeelllllllllerrrrrrr Laterman!!!!!

*spiffy music plays*

Laterman- Yello Indiana!!! Please please...hold your applause til after the show when I'm gone.

*applause and music stops*

Laterman- Oh isn't that nice? They stopped clapping so they can welcome me with open arms! *laughs* Well..as you may have noticed...there are a few things different about the show tonight. Well for one,we switched networks. CBS fired us because Dave left without saying good bye,but CNN has been wanting us since the news about Bill Clinton got discontinued. Second of all,we did indeed re-locate to Indiana from New York City. See,when we got fired,CBS torched our offices and stage. So we had to come here for refuge. But don't worry...pretty soon we'll be able to steal Jay Leno's stage,so just hang on. And last but certainly not least, I have taken over the show. That's right. This show is highly coveted among the nations of the world...Fortunately...I got to it 83rd. But I assure you...the show is in good hands. I've been able to keep my goldfish alive for a record setting,four and a half days,so we're going to make it through this. So what do you guys all think about this pending war with Iraq? Pretty freaky huh? Well there's no reason to worry. The news media has got us all covered. Yeah we can go over there any time we want to the U.S. Army base and have a party,thanks to the precise and detailed information the media is able to provide us with. Maybe we can even order them pizza and have Sadaam Hussein deliver it to them. If its not there in less than 30 minutes,he dies at the door. You know,I think I'll invite my friend Osama to come over and join the fun. Let's see...is he over there? Yes he is! Paul Schaffer everybody!!

*snazzy music plays..and Paul does the hand thing*

Laterman- Well,tonight on the show,we've got some great stuff for ya. Later on,we're going to interrogate George Lucas...see if we can't get out of him the exact details of the next movie. Have a nice chat with head coach of my Butler Bulldogs,Todd Likliter. The top ten list and plus a bunch of other random things. We'll be right back with something random!

*commercial*

Geico Employee- I really like this guy. He's brought sort of a reptillian sense of balance to our workforce,and there's no doubt that he deserves this award.

*Geico gecko drives in his little car to the 'Employee of the month' parking spot*

Geico Announcer- Don't forget,Geico can save you 50% or more on car insurance.

*back to the show*

Laterman- Yello again! Now,during break,I was discussing with Paul here one of the things I've always wanted to do.

Schaffer- You've always wanted to throw a card behind you and see if the window actually breaks.

Laterman- Exactly. You see,in years past I've always watched Dave throw those cards and pencils behind him,hearing the sound of a window breaking,but I never saw the window break. So my theory is,its just sound effects.

Schaffer- Just sound effects huh? You don't think the window actually breaks?

Laterman- Either that or Dave has a really good arm. Maybe he played baseball as a kid,who knows. But anyway...so I'm going to test my theory and see what happens. Can I have a drumroll please?

*drumroll*

*Laterman throws card behind her...here's a 'moo' sound. Laterman's eyes go wide*

Laterman- Someone left their cow out on 267. *laughs* OK...so I was wrong this time,but yet I was right. I was right about the window not breaking,but I was wrong about the sound effects. The window was open and there IS a cow wandering around out there. Heh heh heh...anywho! Today,I decided to be a little like Dave. You know..bring a little of him back home to Indiana. So,I asked Paul if he would go around the area and ask people about Dave and what they know about him. Tell us a little about it Paul.

Schaffer- It was fun,but the people were kinda...very un-like New Yorkers. My accent didn't blend in too well. But I took a camera crew with me around the area just to see what all the people knew about Dave.

*screen changes to the streets of Indianapolis with Schaffer leading the way*

Schaffer- Hi..do you know much about Dave Letterman?

Pedestrian #1- He's that one guy after the news isn't he? Or is he the one with the big chin?

Schaffer- Hey there,what do you know about Dave Letterman?

Pedestrian #2- I know he's from Indiana.

Schaffer- What else do you know about him?

Pedestrian #2- That's all I know.

Schaffer- Hey,what can you tell me about Dave Letterman?

Pedestrian #3- That he's out right now with an eye infection of sorts.

Schaffer- To be more precise,he got in a fight with Dr.Phil a few weeks ago after the show.

Pedestrian #3- Yeah he must have because it was after that show that he took off.

Schaffer- If I told you right now,I was Dave Letterman,would you believe me?

Pedestrian #4- No.

Schaffer- Why not?

Pedestrian #4- Because you're just not!

Schaffer- Why not?

Pedestrian #4- Why do you keep asking me?

Schaffer- Because I want to see how gullible you are.

Schaffer- So you really don't know who Dave Letterman is do you?

Pedestrian #1- I can see his face I think.

Schaffer- What does he look like?

Pedestrian #1- He has a really big chin.

Schaffer- So you didn't know that Dave had a show?

Pedestrian #2- Oh he did? Oh I remember who you're talking about now.

Schaffer- Who am I talking about?

Pedestrian #2- He was the guy who had that show on NBC that didn't go too well.

Schaffer- Tell me,what do you know about Dave Letterman?

Letterman- That some chick took his show and now he's at home with another sore eye after challenging Dr.Phil again.

Schaffer- Why don't you think I'm Dave Letterman?

Pedestrian #4- Well what makes you think you are?

Schaffer- Because I'm Paul Schaffer.

Pedestrian #4- HA!

Schaffer- Oops. Blew my own cover. *hands $5 to pedestrian #4*

Pedestrian #1- Let's see...he has a big chin and his show's on NBC.

Schaffer- Heh heh heh...you're close. It's on CNN now.

Pedestrian #1- Oh it is? Well I'll go home and watch him.

*screen switches back to the stage*

Laterman- That was good Paul. There's no better way to test Indiana's stupidity then by asking them about Dave Letterman.

Schaffer- It was lots of fun. Interesting town Indianapolis.

Laterman- OK...well next we're going to do another Dave tradition. You know how he does those things like ''how many of watchamacallit's he can fit into some little department store''? Well...I came up with my own idea. It's 'how many Butler fans can fit into a UW Milwaukee Follet Bookstore?' . So let's go to our camera on the campus of UW Milwaukee in their Follet store.

*camera switches to Follet store on the UW Milwaukee campus*

Laterman- So right now we see that there is someone at the counter and someone must be counting stock. Either that or they plan to rob the store. It looks pretty calm in there right now so let's stir things up a bit and send in the first Butler fan.

*One fan with a #22 jersey walks into the store*

Laterman- As you can see the guy who was going to rob the store suddenly dropped everything when our Butler fan walked in. Now they're kinda talking to him.........I wonder if they'll pounce on him. Well,we better send in reinforcements. Send in two more for that guy's protection.

*Two fans walk into the store with Butler basketball shirts on*

Laterman- Now we see that the guy at the counter and the robber are talking to one another. Reckon they think they're gonna get over taken by Butler fans? Let's make it really look like they're in trouble. Send in four more and...am I correct we have the Butler bulldog mascot too? Send him in...make it an even five more Butler loyals to take over the store.

*Four fans and the Butler bulldog mascot walk in*

Laterman- Heh heh...I'm liking this. See those Milwaukee people? They look scared. Shall we intimidate them more? Send in the cheerleaders too.

*Eleven of the Butler cheerleaders walk in to the store*

Laterman- Ha! Look at that guy at the counter! He's on the phone. Must be calling for security. Well let's give them a real reason to call security. Send in the last 8 Butler fans.

*Eight Butler fans walk into the store. One has a flag. Milwaukee people run and then a Butler fan raises the Butler logo flag in place of the UW Milwaukee flag*

Laterman-And yet again the Butler University bulldogs triumph over the University of Wisconsin Milwaukee panthers! *applauds* Well done Butler fans! You've made me proud! We'll be right back with the top ten list everybody! *throws card behind her...hears crashing sound...shrugs*

*commercial*

Ray Romano- Hey! It's March Madness! Tune into CNN for all your NCAA news...and yes, Butler should have advanced, Miss.Laterman.

*back to the show*

Laterman- Welcome back...now, I don't know if any of you have seen the new March Madness commercial for CNN, but I just love it. I'm mentioned in it and everything and its great. Let's take a look at it...

*screen switches*

Ray Romano- Hey! It's March Madness! Tune into CNN for all your NCAA news...and yes, Butler should have advanced, Miss.Laterman.

*back to Laterman*

Laterman- See? Isn't that great? I'm mentioned in it and so are my Butler Bulldogs, which unfortunately were knocked out of the tournament by Oklahoma. Boo!!!! Nah...Oklahoma's a good team...its just Syracuse that's the bad team, death to Syracuse!!!! Ahem...anyway, so now its time for the top ten list!

*screen switches and does some cool 1 to 10 number thingy*

Laterman- All right...tonight's top ten list is entitled: 'Top ten reasons Butler should've won the NCAA tournament' . Nice title, eh Paul?

Schaffer- Huh? Oh oh yeah...great title.

Laterman- .............You're not paying attention to me are you?

Schaffer- Of course I am...you just said its time for the top ten list.

Laterman- And what was the title?

Schaffer- Um..it was uh....top ten reasons...Syracuse should win the NCAA tournament.

*Laterman glares at Schaffer*

Laterman- *makes the buzzer sound* Wrong!! I can't believe you would even say something so atrocious! What was my title audience?

Audience- 'Top ten reasons Butler should've won the NCAA tournament!'

Laterman- There...you see? The audience pays attention. Unlike you...I mean..you're over there behind your keyboards sipping your coffee...no time for me and my senseless rambling. *sniff*

Audience- Awwwwwww....

Schaffer- Aww...I'm sorry Telle. Yes yes yes...Butler SHOULD'VE won the NCAA tournament, isn't that right audience?

Audience- YEAH!!! *cheers and applause*

Laterman- That's better...hehe...now..here to help me present the top ten list are ten players from my beloved Butler University Bulldogs!!!

*ten Butler players walk out to the Butler theme song being played by the CNN orchestra*

Laterman- OK..so here we go. 'Top ten reasons Butler should've won the NCAA tournament'. Number ten, Senior Rob Walls.

Walls- I graciously gave Joel Cornette my size 15 sneakers when his got soaked at the Louisville game!

Laterman- Number nine, Freshman Avery Sheets.

Sheets- It's high time a real team got in the Final Four!

Laterman- Ain't that the truth? Heh heh...Number eight, Junior Ryan Reynolds.

Reynolds- I'm the number one cheerleader on the bench!

Laterman- Oh yes...you see..that guy is so good, yet he doesn't get hardly any playing time. I oughtta start a petition so he can play more. Number seven, Senior Darnell Archey.

Archey- Of course we should've won...It's Arch Madness!

Laterman- That's right..instead of 'March Madness', its now 'Arch Madness'. We're taking over civilization as we know it. He he...number six, Senior Joel Cornette.

Cornette- We've got the best Dawg Pound around!

Laterman- They're loud too. Number five, Junior Duane Lightfoot.

Lightfoot- We made it farther than IU, of course we should've won! Of course...you all know IU's got ties with the NCAA selection committee.

Laterman- Too true. You see, it's not fair that teams like Butler that have better records than big schools like IU don't get into the Big Dance, yet the big schools do, even when their record is less than the smaller schools. In the words of my mother: 'We just don't get any respect'! Anyway, number four, Junior Mike Monserez.

Monserez- They got good looking guys like me on the team. *smiles..girls in audience squeal in delight*

Laterman- *is starry eyed..looks at desk..wipes drool off desk* He he he...sorry. Can't help myself. It's just that...man, I really wish he was single. Hey Mr.Hot Stuff, doing anything after the show?

Monserez- Who me?

Sheets- Nah...she means me. *grinz*

Cornette- Uh uh! She's referring to me!

Laterman- *sigh* I love all this attention. *audience laughs* Well then, are any of you doing anything after the show tonight?

All ten guys- Nope!

Laterman- Hehehe...well, looks like I'm taken for the night. *grinz* Meet you at the coffee room afterwards then! *winks*

*Monserez, Sheets, and Cornette fall over*

Laterman- Wow...am I really that cute? Heh heh..anywho! Number three, Senior Lewis Curry!

Curry- We've got people actually asking where Butler is so they can come watch us play again. You don't see people asking where IU is do ya? Heh heh...

Laterman- Exactly. They ask us where Butler is so they can come watch us play again. They don't want to watch IU. He he...number two, Freshman Bruce Horan.

Horan- We've got three guys from New Castle, Indiana. Need I say more?

Laterman- New Castle, Indiana. Basketball capital of the world. And...the number one reason Butler should've won the NCAA tournament presented by Senior Brandon Miller.

Miller- Because Laterman is my number one fan!

*Butler theme song plays again as the guys exit. Laterman is in tears*

Laterman- Sorry...I've very attatched to those guys. We'll be right back with George Lucas everybody!

*commercial*

One #4 Butler basketball jersey...$36. Three tickets to the Butler vs. Oklahoma game, $180. Your team making history, priceless. There are some things money can't buy, but for every thing else, there's Master Card.

*back to the show*

Laterman- Welcome back to the show everyone and it's time for our first guest, Mr. George Lucas!!

*George Lucas walks out on the stage...hugs Laterman, sits in seat next to Laterman's desk*

Laterman- Nice to have ya with us, Georgie.

Lucas- 'Georgie'?

Laterman- Oh by the way, mind if I call you 'Georgie'? *laughs*

Lucas- *laughs* Sure...it's got a nice ring to it.

Laterman- So tell me, Georgie, like my show so far? I'm way better than Dave right?

Lucas- Oh yeah...I love your conclusion you came to earlier about the sound effects thing. Dave would never have been able to figure it out in the record setting time you had!

Laterman- Oh why thank you, Georgie. Nice to know one of you likes my show...*glares at Schaffer*

Schaffer- What? What'd I do?

Laterman- Anywho, so what's next in the Star Wars universe?

Lucas- That's a secret! *zips lips*

Laterman- Aww c'mon. Can't we have just a little hint?

Lucas- Nope! Confidential information! Besides, I'll get fired if I tell anybody.

Laterman- *looks confused* But aren't you the person who fires people? The head honcho so to speak?

Lucas- Oh yeah...you got a point. Well, I'll hire someone to fire me then! *audience laughs* But you'll never figure out what's in the next movie.

Laterman- *smirks* Well too bad, because I already know.

Lucas- *surprised* You do?! Then you tell me what you think is going to happen!

Laterman- It's really quite simple, you see-

Network Announcer- We interrupt this original broadcast with a test of the CES -The Cheese Evacuation System. No need to be alarmed, this is only a test. *weird sound beeps five times* Once again, this has been a test of the CES - The Cheese Evacuation System. Had this been a real emergency, all the cheese from your refridgerator would have suddenly grown legs and scurried out your back door. Thank you for participating in the CES- The Cheese Evacuation System, now back to our original program.

Laterman- And then-

Network Announcer- We now interrupt this broadcast with a news breaking bulletin. A sudden outbreak of cheese has emerged from the refridgerators of the world. Please, do not be alarmed, the cheese just needs to be free. Now we return to the original program.

Laterman- And that's how it all works.

Lucas- *shocked* I don't believe it! She actually figured it out!

Laterman- *cracks knuckles* Yup...I'm just full of surprises. So what are you going to do after Star Wars is all done? Get on all those Star Wars fans who keep writing fics?

Lucas- Hmmm...didn't think about that option. *writes that on notepad* I was thinking more maybe trying to re-decorate my office, then I'll sell it on E-bay.

Laterman- I kinda need a new office...*taps fingers on desk*

Lucas- Sold! *shakes hands with Laterman*

Laterman- Wow...didn't even really say I wanted it and it's already mine! Well Georgie, it's been a pleasure, but I gotta let you go now. Let me know when that office is ready for the taking! We'll be right back with Todd Likliter!

*commercial*

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*back to the show*

Laterman- And now ladies and gentlemen, a guest I am truly honored to have, Mr. Todd Likliter of the Butler University Bulldogs!!

*Likliter walks out on stage, gives Laterman a hug and sits down*

Likliter- Before anything else, Avery wanted me to tell you he likes your Star Wars theory, Mike thinks he's going to pass out again after the show, and Brandon thinks you're cute.

Laterman *shocked*- Wow...really? *waves at camera* Hi again guys! I think you're cute too!

*shouts from backstage*

Brandon- Dah!!! She thinks I'm cute!!

Mike- No! She meant me!!

Avery- What're you talkin' about? She means me!

Ryan- Can someone pass the chips?

Joel- Dude, guys, break it up. We all know that I'm the ultimate ladies man around here.

Brandon, Mike, and Avery- Are not!!!

*crashes and shouts can be heard from backstage*

Ryan- Can someone please pass the chips?

Laterman- Umm...Security...please de-tangle them back there. There's plenty of me to go around. *grinz at camera..hears light-hearted sighs from backstage* Oh...never mind. *laughs* Anyway coach, can I just say congratulations on your fantastic season this year?

Likliter- Thanks Telle, it was a very special season and I remember seeing you at every game cheering us on.

Laterman- *blushes* Well, not avery game.

Avery- Aha! See?!? She said my name!!! *crashes and shouts again ensue backstage*

Laterman *sighs*- Sorry..I have this bad habit of saying 'avery' instead of 'every'. It's one of those Indiana things. *Likliter and audience laugh* But I tried to go to as many games as I could, and they were all spectacular, but I have to say that Milwaukee game was one of the best I have ever seen.

Likliter- Yeah you were the crazy girl above the north basket at that game with the "I'm all for 4" sign. *chuckles*

Laterman- Guilty as charged...Brandon. *points finger at camera* I don't want any more crashes back there, understood?

Brandon- Yes ma'am!

Laterman- Anyway, so what do you think is your best memory of the season? Favorite game in other words?

Likliter- My favorite game is probably the last home game we had, but my favorite memory is something Darnell Archey said to the Butler president when he was asked how the team was going to celebrate the victory over Louisville. Darnell said : "Well, I have an 8:30 morning class tomorrow, but it's just health class.". *audience and Laterman laughs*

Laterman- I remember that one from Albany. The president told us that at the pre-celebration thingy. One last question before I let you go, what do you think of me making a sign for the next Milwaukee game that says "Go Milwaukee Pansies!" instead of "Go Milwaukee Panthers!" ?

Likliter- Oh I like it...you should let the team sign it in approval of that statment! And when the season's over, we'll frame it in my office.

Laterman- Awesome...I thought you'd like that idea. Those evil Milwaukee-ians. *shakes fist* Prepare to feel my wrath you pansies you!!! *clears throat as audience and Likliter laugh* Well Coach, 27-6 on the season, we're all very proud of you, it has been a pleasure having you with us, good luck next season and you know what, call me sometime and we'll grab a cup of coffee and discuss team strategy! *shakes hands with Likliter* We'll be right back with our musical guest everyone, don't go away!

*commercial*

Announcer- Coming up next on your local news, sudden outbreak of cheese startles economy as all those packages of cheesey goodness roam around the world, seeking revenge on our taste buds. Oh where is the Dairy Fairy when ya need 'em?!

*back to the show*

Laterman- And now everyone, to close up the show is the one and only Avalon!!! *Avalon comes out and sings Testify to love, while crazy AFCers are about to go nutso...Avalon finishes and Laterman re-takes the stage* OK, thanks for joining us on the Late Show with Teller Laterman, be safe and may God bless you forever and keep you! *Joel, Brandon, Mike, and Avery run out on stage* Eeek!!! One at a time, boys!

~ The End ~